Didn’t Accomplish the Big Plans You Made in Quarantine?
You’re Not Alone. Here Are 3 Reasons You Should Take It Easy On Yourself.
2021 is approaching with a swiftness I am subtly thankful for. I am grateful for the present, but I am tired. I am looking forward to something that marks a new start, even if the day itself is pretty arbitrary. Nothing changes on January 1st, but I like the idea of a bookend on this dumpster fire of a year.
I have been reflecting on just how much transformation has taken place. Some of it has been positive, a lot of it has not. Even with the pain and loss we have all experienced, there have been so many lessons learned. When we went into quarantine in early 2020, for me it was March 17th, there was a bit of novelty and this attitude of “we are going to make the best of this!” We binged on Tiger King and had Zoom happy hours. We banged pots and pans in support of frontline workers and, in my neck of the woods, we would walk outside or open our windows and howl at 8 p.m. I’ve got to say, I really liked that tradition.
Slowly, in the typical American fashion of doing, doing, doing, we started to plan. Although I was aware of the trap I, too, fell for it.
We now had all this time! We could do yoga for 30 days and journal every morning! Maybe we would learn a new language or finally purge our closets!
We had so many plans, and true-hearted as we were, odds are those didn’t pan out. Don’t get me wrong, I have been productive in many ways as have many of you, dear readers, but how many of our plans went as intended this year?
Ok, then. You see what I mean.
As the months have begun to blend into one long string of restless sleeps and coffee charged days, the only thing showing me time is passing are the decreasing amounts of sunlight and seasonal depression I trade it out for. Instead of taking up meal prepping I found my diet to be in its worst state since my teenage years. I am coping. We are all just coping right now, in any way we can. The enthusiasm with which I planned filling all this new free time I had slowly disintegrated into a mental health crisis.
I began to realize that I needed to be a bit more realistic with myself and to honor my mental health. I knew that while continuing to improve my life and myself is still important to me, I needed to lay off the self-criticism.
We have been living in a pandemic, we have had virtually no support from the government here in the U.S., some folks are still in lockdown, while others deny the realities of the existence of the virus at all. Then, of course, some simply do not care and choose to travel anyway, minimizing the tremendous loss of lives we continue to endure.
We are doing the best we can.
You are doing the best you can.
I genuinely believe that, we can only do so much. It’s tempting to be hard on ourselves, feel like we want to fill the time, do something tangible and productive. Here are a few reasons to go easy on yourself.
1. You’re Being Traumatized
This is not a time for ruthless personal growth tactics, toxic positivity, or doubling down to push through whatever it is you are going through until you burn out.
We are in survival mode.
That is not a hyperbole. In October 2020 the Psychiatric Times published information about Post-COVID Stress Disorder, noting that many cross sections of people are at risk of developing this stress disorder. From frontline workers who are highly exposed or those who have lost loved ones to people with general anxiety or have experienced depression in extreme isolation, we are all at risk.
Our nervous systems are dysregulated, we are reverting back to the coping mechanisms of our youth, we still don’t know what is coming next. Let’s not worsen it by beating ourselves up.
2. Self-Compassion Works
In the U.S. we prize being busy. So much so, that when we are not busy, many of us will internalize this messaging and feel guilt for taking a break. How many lists and life plans have I made? How many times have I looked at my art projects and felt that they were more of a burden than an outlet. When we get to that point, we need to take a break. We’re human beings. We can’t do it all. We need room to breathe.
We all have obligations we are not excepted from, things that must be done. There are people to care for, dogs to feed, plants to water. Not all of us can slow down, and those of us who do can do so to varying degrees. There are still opportunities to honor ourselves and how we are feeling as we live our lives, and studies show that cultivating self-compassion is psychologically beneficial. (And yes, you are worth self-compassion. But that is a conversation for another day.)
Doing things like intentionally noting what you are grateful for or slowing down to take a few deep breaths before moving on to the next task can often have a greater impact than we realize. When we make mistakes, aren’t living up to our own high expectations, or simply have ourselves upset, it can be of greater service to us to just acknowledge that things are the way they are.
We are human. Our moods fluctuate, our circumstances change. We can just let that be the way it is right now, because guess what? We don’t have any control over that anyway.
We expect children to be kind to themselves and others. We can do it, too.
3. The Only Constant is Change
This will end. It may not feel like it right now, but there will be a morning where you get to wake up and think about something other than this heavy storm cloud we have been under for the last 9+ months. One day, we will be able to visit our grandparents without worry, hug our friends, and if Dr. Anthony Fauci keeps his promise, the gays will be able to have brunch again.
It is true that so much is irreversible. It is not my intent to diminish that. We have lost loved ones, jobs, homes, hopes, and dreams. Communities have been upended and none of us knows what this is going to look like once the dust settles. But it will end, with encouraging changes in government coming up and the promise of a vaccine, there is a light beginning to flicker at the end of this long, dark tunnel.
I didn’t do all the things I planned in quarantine. I am still here at home and I am still not doing the things I planned. They’ve changed, and that’s ok. I am learning what it means to turn to kindness when I am disappointed, to be gentle with myself when I am suffering. Giving myself the space to lean into what serves me has enabled me to begin to see what does not. Gone are the days of being hard on myself.
Ok, not really, but I am working on it. That’s kind of the point. I have the sincere intent to not be hard on myself and plenty of opportunities to try. That’s all I can expect from myself right now. That is enough.
As the new year approaches the expectations that we should all revamp our lives is increasingly oppressive. The resolutions and lists we make with such pure intentions do have their time and place. Perhaps that time and place isn’t in the middle of surviving a world changing pandemic. Just a thought.
Bonus reason: You Are Allowed to Change Your Mind
And you don’t have to justify it to anyone. Period.
